Let me be honest with you: moving to another country is difficult! Of course it is extremely wonderful, adventurous and fun, but there are definitely elements you don’t see coming that stretch you and challenge you in ways you don’t necessarily want to be stretched. A couple small examples from my life here in Mexico are immediately getting sick of the food (tortillas every day) and intensely craving Chik-fil-A or a good ol’ fashioned American cheeseburger made by my dad, remembering to put toilet paper in the trash can instead of flushing it down the toilet, finding out cockroaches can crawl AND fly, and seriously never enjoying Mariachi music blaring in my window 24-7. I’m sure I will look back on Mariachi music with love one day, begin to appreciate American plumbing more, be more brave around harmless bugs, and I know I will definitely go to Chik-fil-A again in my life (please Jesus somehow bring Chik-fil-A to Mexico!). These little annoyances are very small things that come with missions that, simply put, I have to force myself to get over. There are so many beautiful parts about my life in Mexico that absolutely outweigh these little hardships that stretch me every day. In all seriousness, I would rather be serving the poor in Mexico with a Mariachi band of cockroaches crawling on my legs and never have Chik-fil-A again than abandon the poor I know are out there forgotten, lonely, and starving with nobody to care for them or bring them Jesus. I gladly accept all of these little annoyances, with I’m sure more to come, on behalf of the powerless men and women I know living in Mexico and across the globe.
Even so, in reality I am human and very weak, so I know there are hardships that come with missions I need to work hard to accept and live with joyfully. I am not perfect, and like most people, I avoid suffering and hardships just about as much as I avoid cockroaches. I don’t know about you, but I find it easier to do things I am good at than to seek out things I have no talent for. I would almost rather slide by bored and carefree at something I am good at than struggle uncomfortably through something difficult that is good for me. I realize this more and more about myself all the time; I generally yearn more for comfort and stability than I do virtue and bravery. I am always moved by the Pope Benedict XVI quote that says “The world offers you comfort. But you were not made for comfort: you were made for greatness.” I, Rachel Speer, was made for greatness. What an important reminder that I was not made to sit by in cowardice or timidity out of fear of failure or being uncomfortable. I was not made to only do things I am naturally great at: but rather I was made to accept suffering with courage to let Christ make me into something greater than I ever imagined I could be. I know this in my heart, and I know it is the truth, but I am not very great at applying it to my life. However, missions has already given me many opportunities to ditch comfort for greatness, outside of those little discomforts I have welcomed into my life by moving to the 3rd world. God has invited me to participate in bigger sacrifices every day, one being the giant language barrier that often divides me from the people I minister to.
I knew before moving to Mexico that I would need to struggle through and work hard on learning Spanish. I am absolutely not a native Spanish speaker, and although my four years of high school Spanish classes and work in college at two bilingual elementary schools have helped and I am learning more and more every day, there is still a huge barrier blocking me from going deeper with the people here. I find myself stuck and unable to give advice to a person in need, adequately preach the Gospel, read from the Bible and not sound like a kindergartner just learning how to read, understand a question a poor mother of 3 asks me when she comes to my house to beg for food (or something else I couldn’t understand or probably heard wrong), or share a story important to my life with a friend. Learning a new language is kind of like learning an ancient secret about the world that I am finally being let in on, which has been such a blessing and such an adventure! Even so, not being able to express myself has been a huge challenge for me. For my entire life, I have been able to think a thought that is important to me and express it whenever I want to the people around me. I have also been able to understand the people around me when they speak to me without even thinking about it. Living life in English is all I have ever know, with the exception of tiny bits and pieces of other languages. After Spanish class in high school or watching a foreign film like the Passion or The Lord of the Rings (which has some Elvish in it), I could go home afterwards to return to to thinking and speaking in English once more. Not here. With the exception of 8 other English speaking adults, everyone else in my entire town speaks to me in Spanish. Mass is in Spanish now, my ministries are in Spanish now, street signs are in Spanish now, and even my name is in Spanish now (Raquel). Although my brain still functions in English and I speak to my team in English, my life is very much in Spanish. This has been such a wonderful and amazing journey that I am so grateful for and happy to be a part of! I love the Spanish language and love learning more and more about how it works and how to best use it to communicate with others. No matter how much I want to be perfect at learning all there is to know about Spanish, I am not even close to fluent and I struggle every day. Once I told my choir director that my potato is 29 years old even though I wanted to tell him that my dad is 59 years old. I confuse the words horse and onion every time I even think about them and so I sometimes avoid conversations about either of the two topics (you can look them up, but I’m still not sure which is which). While leading youth group for the high schoolers in our town, I have said the word for fish (pescado) instead of the word for sin (pecado) at least 6 times. Obviously I am not an expert, and there have been many little translation hiccups and embarrassing moments along the way, but I am still doing it. Although I know I will say fish instead of sin again, I am still committed to leading youth group. Although I often forget past tense, I will still speak in present tense to proclaim the love of Jesus to the people I visit. I will not give up and I have learned so much about how important communication is and how it is best used to encounter and love people.
Every week I visit a woman named Dona Marciana, who is seriously adorable and very old (she changes her age every time I ask, but she is at least over 85). She melts my heart every time I see her! She lives with her daughter, Goya, a fiery and passionate woman who will tell you everything that is going on in her life, how much she feels abandoned by you when you do not visit her for a whole week, and how grateful she is for God sending you to visit her. I love these women very much and have learned many things from them! I first visited them in November when I came to General Cepeda for three weeks during my time of Intake training. Dona Marciana was laying on her bed and was saying the same things to me over and over again, none of which I understood. I was able to ask her some simple questions about her siblings, her parents, where she was from, and where she was in pain. At one point, I think she realized I had no idea what she was saying, because she took a huge sigh of frustration and her eyes met mine in an intensity I knew was a more sincere form of communication than all of the Spanish words she had said to me moments before. A single tear ran down her face and her breathing got heavier. I knew she was really suffering and needed someone who would be there for her in the moment, so instead of saying anything I took her hand in mine, kissed it, and simply allowed myself to look at her as she looked at me. We stayed there like that for quite a while until my group had to leave. I took a picture of her and hoped I would be able to see her again, since this moment was very moving and important in my life as a missionary. Fortunately, I was sent to Mexico and can see her again every week. Her health is a little better now, even though she cannot chew and only really eats the yogurt drinks I bring her. We sit at her table and I ask her simple questions to give her some time to express herself. I am very convinced that she has Alzheimer’s, since she tells the same stories over and over for an hour every week. She talks about how beautiful her daughter in law is, what her brothers did on the farm when she was little, and how her hands still hurt from making tortillas her whole life. That is all she talks about. When she talks about tortillas, she pats her hands together and shows me how she used to make them. Every couple of minutes I remind her to drink a little bit of the yogurt I brought her, and then she resumes telling me about the tortillas. She loves talking about those tortillas! Sometimes when I leave I even crave a tortilla because of how much she talked about them.
Something I have reflected a lot on while visiting Dona Marciana is how I can love her without saying anything. Mostly she does all of the talking (92% of the time about tortillas), except for when I read her Scripture or give a small reflection. I want to love her and be there for her better, which gets easier to do with words as I learn more and more Spanish. Even so, loving someone doesn’t always involve words. Just look at Jesus, who only said seven things in 3 hours while He was dying on the Cross for us. He is an example of loving by being present and by doing. Of course, he used many words to preach to us the Gospel and to show us his love, but his body language on the Cross was unforgettable and has changed millions of lives. His silence and presence on the Cross and His silence and presence in the Eucharist teaches us that we definitely need to go out and proclaim the Gospel, but there are also moments we have with others where words cannot suffice. I talk about the Gospel with Dona Marciana, but I also sit in silence with her and simply smile at her. Both are important and both are ways to intentionally encounter and love another person.
Mother Teresa talked a lot about smiling and how it shows love. She often reflected on how a smile can change a person’s heart and entire life. If you have ever seen a picture of Mother Teresa’s smile, you understand how that loving look could change a life. I have been thinking about and reflecting on this a lot in missions. Here are a few of her quotes that have moved me:
“Let us always meet each other with a smile, for the smile is the beginning of love.”
“Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.”
“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile.”
“We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do.”
How can our smile change a person’s entire life? Think of the people you love. Think of their smiles and their love for you. Mothers smile at their newborns as their newborns smile back, husbands smile at their wives as they hum their favorite song when they don’t know anyone is watching, and we smile as we stand up to applaud for our best friends when they invite us to their performances. We smile at each other all the time. Smiles mean something huge! They are a way we show each other we care, and they say “hey, I see you, I appreciate you, I love you.” When I smile at Dona Marciana, she has another opportunity to hear me say this to her, and vice versa. I want to love others better, don’t you? Smiling is just another tool to add to our repertoire of important things to do to intentionally love those around us. So you see, even though my Spanish is lacking and sometimes frustrating, I am gaining not only one new way of thinking and speaking (in Spanish), but am also learning how to speak a silent language of love when words aren’t adequate or even available to me. How can we begin to love those around us not just through our words, but through our very beings? What do we need to change in our lives to do this? How can we be people of presence and silence as Jesus is to us? How can we wear the love of our hearts for others on our sleeves by simply going out of our way to smile at people around us like Mother Teresa did? Whatever we do, we need to remember that the love we have available to give to others is most available to us when we are filled more and more with the love of God, since love always and only comes from Christ alone.
Jesus, bless Dona Marciana and all of those who need our intentional time and love. Please kill all of the cockroaches, and fill us with your love as you send us out to love those around us. Amen.
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